Lolo on the Bridge

Philosophie de comptoir

2011-10-27T00:58:00.001+02:00

Voilà ce que j'ai pu lire ces temps-ci sur un de mes sites favoris : "l'homme est une espèce animale comme les autres". Bon Sang mais c'est bien sûr : conceptualisation, créativité, abstraction, poésie, mathématiques pures, cosmologie, technologie, génie génétique ... toutes ces choses que nous avons en commun avec les dinosaures et les lombrics. Tout l'art de confondre 'différence' avec 'supériorité', 'exception' avec 'suprématie', 'constatation objective' avec 'anthropocentrisme'; en bref, tout l'art d'invoquer le hasard ainsi que la nécessité comme des excuses pratiques permettant d'éviter de penser, de réfléchir ou de se poser des questions...

Mauvaise pente

2011-07-06T19:41:00.002+02:00

Seconde insomnie hier soir. Ruminations, angoisses. Une bonne névrose généralisée.

Impossible de lutter contre ce carrousel d'images mentales négatives.

Je me mets à détester le monde entier, j'attends simplement le moment où on aura besoin de moi, j'attends patiemment.

I'm living in a world of shit.

L'âme de fond.

2011-07-05T20:45:00.002+02:00

Je perds la mémoire à court terme, j'oublie les prénoms, je cherche mes mots et mes facultés de raisonnement ainsi que d'abstraction
s'en vont en lambeaux.

Je me rends compte seulement maintenant, au bout de trois ans, que je n'ai pas fini mon deuil. Seulement maintenant je me rends
compte que je suis simplement seul. Seulement maintenant je m'aperçois que je ne serais décidément jamais assez fort pour supporter
cette solitude.

J'ai rompu la promesse que je m'étais faite à moi-même de ne jamais plus compter sur les autres. Je suis faible et je me suis remis à envoyer des SOS, des bouteilles, qui se sont perdus dans le néant, dans le silence. Je pleurniche, je me plains, je me dégoûte.

Je suis sous la cloche de verre de Sylvia Plath. Mais la mienne est en option "vitres teintées". Les gens passent à côté et ne me voient pas, sauf quand ils ont quelque chose à me demander.

Ce verre-ci ne laisse pas passer les hurlements.

Tout devient tellement difficile, pénible, insurmontable, parfois.

Hier, j'ai imploré mon père de revenir me chercher. Il n'a pas entendu. Ma foi se corrode, mes croyances s'effritent, alors, que, dans les pires moments, ce sont les seules ancres du néant auxquelles je puisse m'amarrer. Si il n'y a que le néant, je suis vraiment perdu; rien ne subsistera.

J'ai mal.

Mais j'ai aussi fait du mal autour de moi; parfois sans le savoir ou sans m'en rendre compte.
Je ne dis pas cela pour atténuer mes fautes.
J'aimerais pouvoir réparer, mais la seule option possible est l'expiation.

Il est trop tard pour se racheter.

Je vis déjà dans mon purgatoire personnel. Justice est faite.

All these years... and now you're gone

2011-06-21T20:28:00.002+02:00

All these years... and now you're gone, a photo by Deckard@tyrell.corp on Flickr.

Le néant, simplement.

2011-04-24T22:58:00.000+02:00

Je n'ai plus envie de jouer la comédie.

Plus envie de sourire quand je vais mal.
Plus envie d'être diplomate en espérant qu'en face on me foutra la paix.
Plus envie de parler ou de m'expliquer sur ce que je ressens.
Plus envie d'espérer quoi que ce soit.

Je n'ai plus besoin qu'on me tende la main.

Plus besoin de demander de l'aide.
Plus besoin qu'on me comprenne.
Plus besoin qu'on m'appelle ou que l'on m'écrive.
Plus besoin de me justifier.

Une obscurité calme et silencieuse me suffira.

Freezing the Waves

2011-04-21T12:39:00.004+02:00

Ces vieux moments, ces souvenirs,... ils reviennent toujours par surprise, comme des trains d'ondes. J'essaie de les retenir, mais ils s'évaporent comme les bribes de rêves du petit matin. Ces lieux, ces instants, ces personnes mortes ou perdues, si chères à mon coeur, toute cette chaleur du passé, tout cela n'est pas contrôlable. Mais, Dieu, que cela m'aide à vivre !

Est-ce une fatalité que toute cette information disparaisse en même temps que moi ? Que les traces des sentiments à un instant donné de ma vie se perdent dans un néant froid et obscur.

Je me refuse à le croire.

Nous sommes plus subtils, plus complexes, mais nous n'avons simplement aucune idée des territoires dans lesquels notre âme existe et se développe.

Un samedi comme un autre.

2011-02-12T15:15:00.002+01:00

Je ne sais pas pourquoi cela arrive le matin, au réveil. Il semblerait que toutes les paroles non-dites, les actes manqués, mes moments de lâcheté, le kaléidoscope de tous les êtres qui me manquent, les images des lieux de mon enfance à jamais perdus... se donnent rendez-vous quand ma conscience refait surface.

Une impression de grisaille m'enveloppe, le sentiment de plus en plus fort que j'arrive au bout d'une vie qui a troqué de jolis moments de synchronicité contre des manques de bol de plus en plus fréquents. Tous les combats que j'ai initiés semblent vains et voués à l'échec. C'est de la fatigue mentale, une asthénie sentimentale qui rend chaque pas supplémentaire de plus en plus malaisé.

Si au-moins je n'avais pas ces problèmes de mémoire qui me pourissent la vie de plus en plus, j'arriverais mieux à gérer à la fois ma vie et ma recherche. J'aimerais être capable de lâcher prise, d'ouvrir les soupapes de sécurité pour évacuer tous les parasites mentaux qui se développent en moi. Penser à rien ne serait-ce que quelques minutes. Donner un coup de brosse sur le tableau. Mais non, il y a toujours un voyant qui clignote en rouge sur le tableau de bord de ma conscience. Peut-être faudra-t-il un jour que je revienne sur la promesse que je m'étais faite à moi-même et que je réclame de l'aide. Peut-être faudra-t-il en passer par là.

Réapprivoiser ses propres passions

2010-10-15T01:19:00.006+02:00

C'est une tâche longue et terriblement difficile que celle de se remettre à créer. L'âge ne fait rien à l'affaire et complique tout. Je me suis abîmé les yeux ainsi que ma mémoire à télécharger des centaines de préprints, à tenter de trouver des fils directeurs ou des idées prometteuses. J'ai augmenté ma culture et dissous ma créativité dans un océan de mots et de formules.

Plus que jamais, j'ai cette citation de Herbert en tête, celle que j'avais utilisée en épigraphe de ma thèse : "Je cherche les questions qui forment les meilleures images".

Il vient un moment où l'on doute de la pertinence de ses propres questions et où les images se transforment en bruit blanc.

Arriver à faire le vide, à filtrer et détruire les idées négatives parasites, à illuminer les ténèbres. C'est bien cela le plus dur, le plus douloureux; c'est l'oxydation de la pensée avec la dépression comme toute récompense.

Laisser aller,... se laisser aller tout en ayant la force d'écarter son regard des digressions mentales, ces prédateurs de la pensée.

Je manque de discipline, de confiance, de méthode et de mémoire.

Tout se passe comme si j'avais épuisé mon quota d'originalité.

Un "game over" sans appel.

Avant, ma plus grande qualité était l'opiniâtreté et le temps mon meilleur allié. Désormais, je vis avec le doute et le temps s'est mué en un authentique ennemi.

Une brisure doit survenir, une cassure, un changement radical. Un évènement assez fort pour modifier durablement ma façon de vivre et m'offrir ainsi une dernière la possibilité de devenir un "honnête homme" au sens qu'on lui donnait jadis.

Comme un dernier combat contre l'oubli.
Comme une dernière chance de devenir autre chose qu'une forme de vie inepte.

Lost Thoughts

2010-10-08T16:27:00.002+02:00

Lost Thoughts
Originally uploaded by Deckard@tyrell.corp

J'ai du mal à imaginer ce qu'il aurait pu m'arriver si je ne t'avais pas rencontrée.

Je serais certainement devenu un misanthrope cynique, attendant sa propre fin ainsi que celle du monde, retiré au fin fond des Cévennes, ressassant et méditant sur des futurs révolus et un passé qui ne cicatrisera jamais.

Je pensais que la gentillesse, la douceur n'existaient plus et qu'espérer n'était qu'une perte de temps.

Tu m'as sauvé du gouffre, tendu la main et tout cela sans t'en rendre compte.

Quoique tu penses, j'ai appris et continue d'apprendre et de découvrir quantités de choses nouvelles grâce à toi.

J'espère seulement ne pas être trop insupportable.

Merci d'exister, Mademoiselle M.

Maniaco-Dépréciation

2010-10-06T02:10:00.001+02:00

Il y a des jours avec et des jours sans.

Aujourd'hui était un jour sans, une simple accumulation de non-actions, de frustrations et une atroce impression de vide.

Je gère, je réponds aux mails, je me disperse sur la Toile, je réponds de nouveau aux mails, j'essaie de récapituler la longue liste de tâches dont j'ai à m'acquitter.

Je ne crée plus. Des dizaines de cahiers et des centaines de feuilles volantes s'accumulent, toujours remplies des mêmes calculs, formant un écheveau de plus en plus indémêlable.

Il manque la satisfaction du travail accompli, du progrès.

Mais demain sera un jour avec.

Du moins je l'espère, car il est 2h08 am et nous sommes déjà... demain.

Résurrection

2010-09-25T01:28:00.002+02:00

Plus de deux ans d'arrêt...

Le temps est venu de se remettre à l'écriture.

Le temps est venu de laisser des bribes de mémoire un peu moins noires flotter dans le Wired.

Nous verrons bien.

Washed away

2008-04-18T14:08:00.001+02:00

Washed away
Originally uploaded by Deckard@tyrell.corp

These little scars
These little regrets
These little beings
These little spirits
These little hearts

All of them, washed away
Washed away, far from my life
Washed away, far from my mind.

Kindness is weakness.
Empathy is weakness.
Patience is a waste of time.

It is not a depression but a new birth to come.

And the new born has no memories.

R.O.M.

2008-03-10T00:33:00.001+01:00

R.O.M.
Originally uploaded by Deckard@tyrell.corp

Almost five years that I ran away from city, from people, from bad memories, building a shelter of ice and thorns. Just realizing today this loss of time, this feeling of uncontrolled acceleration, emerging from the dark, but too late.

It wasn't a reconstruction, but a self-destruction.

Five years of non-sense, inexistence, negation of the person I had been.

I just woke up today, being five years older and quietly observing the inner desert I build with my own hands.

Sick

2008-02-16T02:40:00.003+01:00

Sometimes, there is a total absence of light.

Negative thoughts are coming as waves of increasing frequency, and I can't fight against them.

I'm making mistakes after mistakes.

I'm not attentive enough to love that some special people give to me. I'm neglecting my friends. I'm loosing myself in virtualities. I'm wounded because of false friendship. I'm stressed by material things. I let all my passions go away. I feel that my body and spirit are degenerating. I hate what I see in my mirror. I hate the man I became. Because life is a challenge, because I'm a coward.

I...I...I...

I'm just egocentric, focused on my own decadence. There is no magic I can feel in this world, or, maybe my eyes are not able to see it anymore. Just a living joke in a cold and mad world.

Maybe could I be useful for some human beings, but this dark thing is swallowing me slowly. Time was given to me but I wasted it. So many people gone, so many things I could have done, so many mistakes I could have fixed...

But I will go on, because of few persons. I must try, for them, at least for them.

Dessication

2007-09-12T12:48:00.001+02:00

Dessication
Mise en ligne par Deckard@tyrell.corp

House is so empty when you're not here.
Life is loosing his taste and the soul is becoming dry like an old dead leaf.
Season I loved so much, years ago, became a season I hate.
I have nothing to do, except what I'm doing so well: wait.
Waiting.
Becoming...hollow.

Indifference

2007-06-20T22:35:00.001+02:00

Indifference
Mise en ligne par Deckard@tyrell.corp

Indifference about ourselves can be rather unbearable sometimes.
We have all the things to be happy, and much more. But, no, we want more and more.
There is no limit in the process. We are becoming blind.
We are becoming egocentric. We are focusing on one thing we cannot have or one person we admire but who doesn't seem to reciprocate. We forget the others. It's time to reverse the process.

I said "We" but I should have said "I".

In these moments, it can be useful, it can be sane, to relativize these little, tiny, scars on the ego.

Watch and listen :
The Host of Seraphim

Shadow World

2007-05-17T22:06:00.001+02:00

Shadow World
Originally uploaded by Deckard@tyrell.corp.

Living as a transitory shadow in an alien world.
Trying to make sense where there isn't any.
Knowing that all the Dark is coming from me.
Escaping from reality in dreams I can't even remember.
Remembering only what I can't have.
Focusing only on what is unreachable.
Picturing in my mind only the One who is much too far.

Eternal Dreamer : inspired by Scarlet

2007-05-13T03:21:00.001+02:00

Eternal Dreamer
Originally uploaded by A Scarlet Perspective.

Sleepless

in the dream I fall into the sleepless sea
with a swell of panic and pain
my veins are aching for the distant reef
in the crush of emotional waves...

alright, get a hold of yourself
an' don't fight it, it's over your head
it's alright, the rumble in your ears
it's alright to feel a little fear
an' don't fight it, it's over your head
it's alright, you wake up in your bed...

silhouettes like shivering ancient feelings
they cover my foreign floors and walls
submarines are lurking in my foggy ceiling
they keep me sleepless at night...

hey, can you picture the sight
the figures on the beach in the searing night
and the roaring hurt of my silent fight...
can you pull me out
of this sleepless night
can you pull me out?...

King Crimson

Close the world, open the neXt.

2007-05-08T04:33:00.001+02:00

Exit
Originally uploaded by Deckard@tyrell.corp.

Just realizing that passing a whole life to believe and to wait is a nonsense.

Just thinking to remaining time.

Just asking myself if something is yet fixable.

Maybe it's time to leave feelings besides.

Maybe time is come to excise the human things from my heart and my brain, to throw them on the floor, to crush them and, then, to see them dying with a cold eye.

But I don't know which kind of person I will become then.

Repressionnisme

2007-02-06T13:48:00.000+01:00

Repressionnisme,
originally uploaded by Deckard@tyrell.corp.

Tired.
Just tired.
Tired to fight, tired to retain the dreams.

Just loosing my time, indeed.

I'm becoming a machine, just a machine and I throw my heart far away from me.

Surviving without suffering, working without feeling, living without crying.

I feel...nothing and it's just fine.

Flow my tears

2007-01-24T05:07:00.000+01:00

Flow my tears,
originally uploaded by Deckard@tyrell.corp.

Failure after failure, I become stronger, more cynical, more realist, more pragmatic : I accept the curse, my failures, my defects, my errors. But, each time, something is dying inside me. Reflex of self-preservation makes me dry, empty, hollow.

Feelings are flowing out from my heart and loose themselves in the darknesses of memories.

I'm a living museum, exposing all possible happily lives in all possible futures, all virtual or born-dead.

I'm the cemetary of my own dreams, and now it doesn't hurt me anymore. It's strange. I'm looking at this as if it would be some show.
I'm not really sad because I just decided that fight against destiny was stupid. I just decided to stop trying to influence the things.

I'm calm and quiet, waiting for the next day.

The Final Cut

2006-09-07T04:06:00.000+02:00

The Final Cut,
originally uploaded by Deckard@tyrell.corp.

Limited-Time Happyness

2006-09-02T15:44:00.000+02:00

Night Waves,
originally uploaded by Deckard@tyrell.corp.

The beginning of the cycle.
Needing strength.
To see the same landscapes, to feel the same feelings, to hear the same voices.
The big show of happyness, playing in front of me, like a perverted joke.
Sense and meaning deserted this place years ago.
Just a theater for puppets.
A deserved punishment for bad Karma.
Judges never show themselves.
They are just watching and laughing.
I have something in heart that I can hide and love, alone.
Something precious.
But it's a one way ticket.
A one way love.
I am the pathetic knight of a ridiculous quest.
Just a puppet.
And nobody to cut my wires.
The best example that nobody should follow.

Limited-Time Happyness; batteries not included.

Amnesia

2006-08-09T04:00:00.000+02:00

Dream (useless),
originally uploaded by Deckard@tyrell.corp.

Another night
Another need for dreaming
And I will dream, oh yes, I will dream...no problem
And on morning, nothing will remain
Not a picture, not a sound, not a smell
Brain got its physiological need
Soul got just more hunger.

Without end.

Deconstruction

2006-08-05T23:08:00.000+02:00

Same beach
Same place
Same hour
Same empty soul

Just thinking to people who hate me
Just thinking to people who don't think to me
Just thinking to unfinished work

Dreaming of random encounters while sun is burning my skin
Smiling at kids playing in water, searching crabs
Trying to write some meaningful words on the Moleskine

A gecko tatoo on anonymous leg, sunglasses, kitchy swimming suit
Beautiful people here, impolite people there
Discussions without object, just for fun
Smiles lost on horizon
Stones, salt, wind, cold water
Faces as masks
Masks as faces
Retorse nostalgia
Warm, much too warm
Lost time
Cigarettes
Sun

Melting in the rock, fusioning until becoming invisible, hollow
Arm on my eyes, artificial night, not enough, not enough
From a trap to another, I never learn
Drowning into the light
Quietly evaporating in non-sense
Cold laughings in background.

As usual.

Summertime

2006-08-02T15:45:00.000+02:00

Summertime...

Another August month.
Have you ever said to yourself : "today I change" ?
Wanting to make something else, to break usual ways, to have some new memories to remember in Fall, wanting to live.

But Others are always there, to remind you Reality. They are here to show you happy families, long evenings with friends, smiles. They are always here to show you all you had, centuries ago.

Reconstructing... Oh yes... So easy to say.

Now I'm trying to avoid looking in their directions, trying to focus on the blue sea, the clouds, the horizon. But it's only emptyness that I reach. Future...

Scared of future, so scared.

Blog, photos, my Moleskine...trying to let marks of me. For what ? For who ?

All these summer nights in a desert and silent garden, looking for my star in the sky.

Some years ago, there were some good birthdays parties there. People left years ago.

Life lines are diverging, away, far away.

Human condition is an illusion.

---------------------------------------------------
"We live, as we dream--alone. . . ."
Joseph Conrad (Heart of Darkness)

Inspired by Sharlene

2006-07-28T00:21:00.000+02:00

Sometimes on a full moon...,
originally uploaded by azredheadedbrat.

The power of the Moon...

It seems that this little satellite is able to influence us on many ways.

All legends are based on some real facts; it is just hard to retrieve them. For example, Lycanthropy is a kind of mental disease, but, surprinsingly, it acts also at the physiological level... Power of the brain, of the mind...

I think everybody has a beast within, a dark side, a dark potential force.
Is it a kind of self-protection for us ? A reminiscense of old preservative instinct ? Is it something we should awake ?

It seems that animals can control this second personnality, just to assume vital functions. I'm more doubtful about man; nevertheless this possibility has always been fascinating: Dr Jeckyll is a good (and bad) example.
Another example is in Wolfen, this beautiful movie of Michael Wadleigh (the director of Woodstock) : this story tells the very ancient symbiosis existing between Indians and Wolves, their hunting ground, their persecution by white men and, then, their revenge. In this movie, we can see Eddie, one of these Indians, on a full moon night, mutating in a wolf; not on the outside (it's not a werewolf movie) but in the inside, in the mind... The fact is that he can control these new powers and wild instincts, unlike the white man (the hero) who is watching that. It is some ecological modern tale.

We are too modern to use this old power: so we should let our "wild self", our dark side, sleeping...

Inspired by Annene

2006-07-27T05:20:00.000+02:00

,
originally uploaded by Annene von Durchgerockt.

"Old dreams were good dreams"

This is what Robert Kincaid said in "Bridges of Madison".

So true...

I saw the remake of "Cat people" by Paul Schrader's...24 years from now. And I discovered the streets and the atmosphere of the French Quarter in this movie. I could imagine even smells in restaurants, walks by night, with the movie's music inside my head. A strange feeling of soft melancholia; a peaceful island in the dark sea of my mind, waiting quietly...

Since that time, I never forgot this place. It grew in my mind like a recurrent living day-dream. It was a kind of "romantic cliche" which survived, after all these years; one of the elements of an ideal parallel life.

Time is flowing and the dream claim for its concretization. When you are so deceived by daily events, missed rendez-vous, mistakes; especially when you are so deceived by yourself, morning after morning; when this accumulation effect seems too heavy to stand...it remains something: somewhere in your brain. Take your dreams, look at them and shout : "soon you won't be dreams anymore".

Try to see this movie.

Now I must recover my bag and my passport.

Thanks to Annene for the virtual trip.

Inspired by Celine

2006-07-25T21:53:00.000+02:00

Le penseur...,
originally uploaded by *sugar*.

How much time did he spend here ?

Where was his soul travelling ?

Sorrow, regrets, hurtings ?

Does this loss of time have any purpose, except to go down and down ?

Nobody near him, no animals, no human beings, on water or on earth. Going far away from crowd with the secret wish that somebody will come...Anybody... No, never; it never happens.

Perhaps is he an artist, a writer, some genius. Perhaps did he make some beautiful things in past. Maybe, he was some important person. But he doesn't see that; this is of no importance now; he's just looking at water, to calm down the agressivity of memories, eating him alive.

But perhaps...perhaps I'm totally wrong; perhaps is he happy and thinking that it was just a shame to have forgotten his fishing stuff...

We are just looking at what we want to look.
We interpret reality through the filter of our sensitivity.

Thank you Celine.

Inspired by Christina

2006-07-25T00:52:00.000+02:00

birds on a wire,
originally uploaded by lunaryuna.

Cathy: "Mitch, why are they doing this, the birds?"
Mitch: "We don't know, honey."
Cathy: "Why are they trying to kill people?"
Mitch: "I wish I could say."

From Hitchcock's "The Birds" (1963).
(more on : http://www.filmsite.org/bird.html)

Inspired by Jill

2006-07-24T13:41:00.000+02:00

"merely a kid keeping alive",
originally uploaded by Okaypro.

"I am aging without sound,
into darkness, darkness."

Anne Sexton

Walls are telling stories

2006-07-23T22:41:00.000+02:00

Like the Shining in Stephen King's book.

A house, a wall, a window.

A bunch of memories. The little details which are the promise of a new beginning.

Same locations, same sounds, same smells; but you are alone.

Then you look in the other direction, the past and tears are coming. Then you dare to take a look at future, and you are lost.

A million of stories like this. Billions of virtual lifes.

Animal with memory: just a curse, just a curse.

Inspired by Laura

2006-07-23T01:16:00.000+02:00

gathering,
originally uploaded by helveticaneue.

Time to change. Time to replace the "I" by the "they", "she", "he".

A puzzle with grey stones on a rainy day.

No blue sky because eyes are yet looking at the crowd.

Something is growing slowly, leaving 2-dimensional world. Something is trying to escape from its destiny.

Something is moving towards the blue sky, so stubborn, so crazy.

Just stimulation of feelings by power of an image.

A little trip of some seconds.

But a vital one.

Anyway, it's too late : picture is saved in brain, and brain made its duty of analogy and associations. Simple, powerful, definitive.

Thank you Laura.

Lost in the Crowd

2006-07-21T18:56:00.000+02:00

Who cares ?

Everybody has his own problems and doesn't want to have another ones. It's human. Sometimes we're afraid of those negative thoughts, like some contamination process.
We forget that, most of time, people don't need help; they just need to speak or share. We are afraid of that. It's human. Yes...Human, but sad.

We don't want to hear about these things; we want to hear something about us. The quest for happyness ? No... The quest for ego. Nothing more. Waiting for somebody to save us ? Strange idea, because everybody needs to be saved. We are all individualists, thinking,... I don't know why,... thinking that we deserve a better world and a better life. Waiting for the perfect being who will be able to make us being greater, smarter... We deserve what we choosed. We are the results of all our mistakes. Then, it's easy to say that, amongst all, we are the more wounded, hurted victim. Then it's easy to reject, or to hate, the other.

I lived that, twice; from the two opposite points of view. I don't believe anymore in any kind of harmony in a couple. I realized that I am just the victim of my own choices. I'm trying to see the whole story from a third point of view : I can see this crowd filled with anonymous egos, each one wanting to find his soulmate. Egos wanting to be saved, not by a romantic and idealistic symbiosis, but rather by some kind of unconscious vampyrism's instinct. Now I see how much I'm useless and guilty in the same time, now I know that I'm truly of no use for anyone. But you know what ?

At least, I know this fact.

Now it's time for me to be back in this crowd but I will look at the sky, not at people, just the sky. I'm tired to have dreams.

Tired to explain and justify.

Tired of this crowd, gathering nearer and nearer to seek some savior and in the same time rejecting each other. We are a living paradox.

Decided to forget dreams, and perhaps to reach the blue sky. And what is this blue sky ? What is this direction where I want to look ? So simple: being useful for people who don't ask for it but need it; my Kids, my family...

Decided to stop trying to reach people who are afraid of me because I'm a mirror of their own soul, decided to stop trying to lowerize the hate that other feel about me.
Decided to forget the pain, the fears and unreachable hopes.

Decided to be in peace with myself, in this blue sky upon me.

I just need to wait for some wings to grow.

I just pray to not fall one more time in the traps of hope.

Decided to stop to be so weak.

Alone

2006-07-17T18:32:00.000+02:00

Loneliness never frightened me. Sometimes I'm even looking for it.

I just experimented three things about which I had no protection : having hope, being hated at a such higher level, and being sick.

When all the three are coming together, I think one can speak about Murphy's laws.

I wish I could be without any feelings, without nerves, without brain, or, perhaps, just the piece of brain needed to work on mathematics.

I wish I could be someone harsh, without any empathy.

Is this life cyclic ? No, it's rather like some perverted spiral; going worse and worse at each step. It's an accumulation effect, like if I was a big magnet attracting all negative feelings and thoughts and focusing all this stuff in one point, just there, in heart.

I never thought that having reached my 40's would be a so awful experiment.

Remind me

2006-07-12T20:28:00.000+02:00

"And everywhere I go,
There's always something to remind me
Of another place and time
Where love that travelled far had found me.

We stayed outside til two,
Waiting for the light to come back,
But hid in talk I knew,
Until you asked what I was thinking.

.../...

Brave men tell the truth,
A wise man's tools are analogies and puzzles,
A woman holds her tongue,
Knowing silence will speak for her.

So now I'll never know,
As you will only sleep beside me,
And everywhere I go... "

Royksopp, Remind Me

I don't know what day it is

2006-07-12T14:40:00.000+02:00

Closed in this house since I don't know how many days.

Falling in the hole of my own failures, mistakes and weaknesses.

Summer is as hot as Hell.

Bitter Days

2006-07-12T04:49:00.000+02:00

Bitter Days,
originally uploaded by Deckard@tyrell.corp.

Time to go outside, time to stop thinking, time to forget.

Too much imbedded in this virtual dimension.

The kingdom of appearances, where judgment can be easy, where the fact of truly knowing someone is not really important.

Two Tears

2006-07-09T03:29:00.000+02:00

Two Tears,
originally uploaded by Deckard@tyrell.corp.

I'm becoming a close friend of hate; knowing all its traps and effects.

The most dangerous trap is the reference to the people you cherish the most on earth.

It's a stimulus created with careful precision to obtain emotionnal feedback, to wake up your ancestral sense of protection, to wake up your agressivity.

Don't fall in this trap, don't go on this path, or you will fall in hate too, becoming pure wrath.

Don't hate in return, but you don't have to forgive either.

This is a quote I found recently which changed my point of view on the subject :

"If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us."
Hermann Hesse

nothing

2006-05-29T21:45:00.000+02:00

nothing,
originally uploaded by Deckard@tyrell.corp.

nothing at the horizon, except sorrow.

nothing with others because i'm boring

nothing on sundays because i lost my family

nothing on mondays because i lost my passions

useless being, rectilinear future, a bad joke made by some cold god.

Fly

2006-05-27T15:52:00.000+02:00

Fly,
originally uploaded by Deckard@tyrell.corp.

My life is a battlefield, always coming back to the same point, the same questions, the same sadness and despair.

Don't know what to do, where to go.

"Becoming a child again, when all was possible, when all the things were undone, waiting for us"

I don't remember where I listened to this quote. Surely some movie, or book.

Bad spring for lost souls.

Father & Son

2006-04-13T01:17:00.000+02:00

Father & Son,
originally uploaded by Deckard@tyrell.corp.

Future.
Future is modelled by past, partly.
What can I do if Sadness doesn't want to be silent ?
What to do if so many things are mixing in a dark vortex ?

Just human.
Just weak.

Can't handle future and past.

And present is so heavy sometimes.

Just human.
Just sick.

Golgotha

2006-03-28T21:44:00.000+02:00

Golgotha,
originally uploaded by Deckard@tyrell.corp.

...If your leaders say to you,
'Look, the (Father's) kingdom is in the sky,'
then the birds of the sky will precede you.
If they say to you,
'It is in the sea,'
then the fish will precede you.
Rather, the kingdom is within you and it is outside you....

...Split a piece of wood; I am there.
Lift up the stone, and you will find me there.

Logia from : Gospel according to Thomas
Papyrus written in Coptic, found in Nag Hammadi, Egypt, 1945.
Datation : between 200 and 340
Apocryph gospel (denied by Catholic Roman Church).

Symbols

2006-03-04T21:51:00.000+01:00

Symbols Vol.II,
originally uploaded by Deckard@tyrell.corp.

"Who's the lonely man there on the corner,
What he's waiting for, I don't know.
But he's there every day now.
And he's just waiting for something to show"

No Friends, No real Life

2005-12-12T23:18:00.000+01:00

For Bogna and Laurent - the love path,
originally uploaded by M.kalida.

A dedicated photo from Maja

"For Bogna and Laurent - the love path".

Love between shores.

2005-12-11T17:23:00.000+01:00

,
originally uploaded by Quizz.

Think to me as I think to you and we will meet again.

If we are believing in each other, even this dark sea will be easy to cross.

I'm waiting for You.

Can you see me ?

2005-07-07T01:26:00.000+02:00

Last night,
originally uploaded by Quizz.

Can you feel how much I adore you ?

Burning

2005-07-01T05:21:00.000+02:00

Burning,
originally uploaded by Deckard@tyrell.corp.

Not strong enough to fight.

No words to explain.

No more tears to cry.

Too unhappy to be deceived.

Too tired to try to change minds.

Too stupid to shut up.

Walking on the Razor Blade

2005-06-16T07:02:00.000+02:00

Green & Black,
originally uploaded by Deckard@tyrell.corp.

On the way to loose the last remaining dreams.

Preparing Soul's winter.

Waiting to fall.

Seeking for some sense.

Sure of nothing.

Be nothing.

Not thinking.

Stop thinking.

Sleeping.

Without dreaming.

I miss You

2005-06-09T23:26:00.000+02:00

Between Two Worlds,
originally uploaded by Deckard@tyrell.corp.

and I need You.

Frozen

2005-06-07T01:40:00.000+02:00

Week-end with my little ones is over. It was a good one. After they left me, I went to my desert beach, to talk with the sea. She didn't say me anything this time, she was awfully mute.

I'm returning to lethargy, hibernation.

Today I made myself my birthday gift in advance : Lumix FZ20.
Now I have this technological jewel, I have no more inspiration.
I'll see tomorrow what I'm able to do with; some chance these future shots will be darker than ever, cold.

I'm not complete.

Fear after Happyness

2005-06-05T00:58:00.000+02:00

Yes... Fear...

I think I write too much, I share too much many secret feelings which should be burried deeply into my soul and remain unknown to others.

Fear you would go away. Fear you would forget me. Fear you would erase me. Fear you would afraid of all this.

I was looking at you, this evening at 20:15. I was at the beach with my sons ; it's the good hour, tourists are not here and they can play while I'm contemplating the sea, the sky and the light.

There is a shot of mine, on Flickr, which describes the exact location where we were.

There are some rocks (it's a beach of rocks, not sand), a "calanque" in French. I was in a day-dream, imagining you sitting on a rock in front of me. There was no dialogue, except through the eyes,...and I was happy. I was just admiring you, in silence.

I was looking at the horizon, I was hoping too much, too much.

Images came. So clear, so distant, so unreal.

I am not alive.

Inverted cycles

2005-06-04T02:20:00.000+02:00

I spent another night at the office, always seeking for some traces.
Took the car at 5:30, without a sufficient dosis of cafeine, made a pause for sleeping some minutes, then bought Pall-Mall and went to my village.

Little check for my mails, 3 hours of sleep from 9 to 12. Then departure.

During the travel, listening several times to "Comfortably numb", live version. Strange feeling arised, some need to exorcize nostalgia, need to clean up the memorie's box.

I'm now with L & V, they are sleeping quietly and their father is once again on his laptop, surfing and flickring much beyond any reasonable limits.

I'm not "cured", my head is always in this virtual world, waiting to imbed into the real one.

I'm afraid to talk to You now, afraid to listen what I'm now imagining. Doubts over doubts over doubts...
Pessimism and Murphy's laws.

I miss You so much.

What are you thinking of ?

2005-06-03T03:15:00.000+02:00

,
originally uploaded by Quizz.

Last day before Week-End.

I'll wait for your emails.

I'll wait for some traces, some hopes, or some tears to come.

Focusing on You.

At damn speed...yes. It's true.

What are You thinking of ?

Where are You ?

There was a great diner in a great restaurant this evening with a very famous, very old and very cool mathematician. One of this kind who could give you some courage to not giving up, to continue some desesperate act of creation, to try to fight against the loss of creativity. A sort of spiritual father if you want, not a gourou (I hate this sort of guys).

How do I see Life ?

Loving my children and be loved by them.

Creating and teaching. Being useful.

Belong to someone. Forget mySelf, becoming ourSelf.
Forget myShell, becoming ourShell...

It sounds like the Ten Commandments.

I feel myself pretty pathetic, this evening.

I need another world, I need to change some line of code in this Matrix.

"Close the World, Open the NeXt..."

A Dead-Day

2005-06-02T02:31:00.000+02:00

Morning Light,
originally uploaded by Quizz.

Today was worse than a sunday.

No work. No rationnal thoughts. No decisions.

Feeling like a lazy big worm.

I didn't saw a dvd since weeks (should be in Guiness Book...); so this evening, I put T2 in the dvd-player, push dolby EX on, increase volume, turn off the lights, hoping to fill my eyes and my ears, hoping to forget myself for two hours...

So... ?

I just stop the player at the half of movie and I'm now on Internet writing this....

Why ?

Because, I was imagining you with me here, just besides me, watching the film together. Because my arms, my hands were seeking for someone who was indeed not here.

Because, you are becoming a part of me.
I know it sounds crazy, unreasonable,childish, not serious....

So what ? ....

There is a vanishing point on this road;

If I can't reach it,... I could at least imagine it.

In this last case, imagination is not a gift but rather like a neverending fall....or a slow death.

Breathe into me...

2005-06-01T01:03:00.000+02:00

Breathe into me,
originally uploaded by Deckard@tyrell.corp.

...and make me real...

The second day without You.

All this was unexpected. Nothing was planned.

It's not usual, neither common.

You're so far... like a dream in the morning.

Make it real. Make... me... real.

Promise

2005-05-31T02:34:00.000+02:00

I won't forget.
I won't go away.
I will just wait.
I will just hope.
I will stun you.

But, please, just take me with You.

Once upon a Time...

2005-05-30T11:31:00.000+02:00

Clochette...,
originally uploaded by Quizz.

...In a town, far, far away.

I met a Fairy.

I met Magic.

Recovering dead moments of youth, when I was able to hear my heart beat into my entire body.

Smiling at the whole world to tell it at which point happyness, in this very moment, is invading my life, like a benefic twister, destroying dark thoughts as storm does with dead leaves.

I don't know where I belong, but I do know to who I'd like to belong...

Sunday, Blurry Sunday...

2005-05-29T16:41:00.000+02:00

Blurry Sunday Lazyness,
originally uploaded by Quizz.

Quoique tes sourcils méchants
Te donnent un air étrange
Qui n'est pas celui d'un ange,
Sorcière aux yeux alléchants,

Je t'adore, ô ma frivole,
Ma terrible passion!
Avec la dévotion
Du prêtre pour son idole.

Le désert et la forêt ,
Embaument tes tresses rudes,
Ta tête a les attitudes
De l'énigme et du secret.

Sur ta chair le parfum rôde
Comme autour d'un encensoir;
Tu charmes comme le soir,
Nymphe ténébreuse et chaude.

Ah ! les philtres les plus forts
Ne valent pas ta paresse,
Et tu connais la caresse
Qui fait revivre les morts !

Tes hanches sont amoureuses
De ton dos et de tes seins,
Et tu ravis les coussins
Par tes poses langoureuses.

Quelquefois, pour apaiser
Ta rage mystérieuse,
Tu prodigues, sérieuse,
La morsure et le baiser ;

Tu me déchires, ma brune,
Avec un rire moqueur,
Et puis tu mets sur mon cœur
Ton œil doux comme la lune .

Sous tes souliers de satin,
Sous tes charmants pieds de soie,
Moi, je mets ma grande joie,
Mon génie et mon destin,

Mon âme par toi guérie,
Par toi, lumière et couleur !
Explosion de chaleur
Dans ma noire Sibérie.

Charles B., Chanson d'Après-Midi

I'm not the same anymore

2005-05-28T16:23:00.000+02:00

So very wet...,
originally uploaded by Quizz.

"...you can never leave me
will you please complete me

never be enough
to fill me up..."

(Nine Inch Nails)

Forgive me...

2005-05-27T02:17:00.000+02:00

Purple rain,
originally uploaded by Quizz.

The Final Cut

2005-05-26T18:03:00.000+02:00

There are special days.

Sun is shining here, it's a summer day.
But all is dark, without any taste and without any sense.
Words are omnipresent, words against thoughts, words against feelings.
Words hurt, misunderstandings hurt.
Destiny open the door and says to me a little sarcastic "Hello!".

I have no tears, even if i had they would surely appear as fake ones, like all the rest.

The Dream of the Unicorn

2005-04-13T22:37:00.000+02:00

One glass of wine, one cigarette and the Blade Runner's
soundtrack of Vangelis...
Some notes of piano.
Thinking.
Asking myself if these memories are mine...
or...perhaps some other's dreams.

Welcome in my head.

Quotes from the Master - I

2005-04-05T23:50:00.000+02:00

"If you can talk brilliantly enough about a subject you can create the consoling illusion it has been mastered."

Stanley KUBRICK

Close the World, Open the NeXt

2005-04-05T12:38:00.000+02:00

ou : "Le principe misanthropique."

Une pensée pendant le café/cigarettes de midi...

Mes quelques amis très chers du Net sont bien plus vivants, bien plus présents, bien plus authentiques que les fantômes qui m'entourent dans le monde physique.

Mais je n'oublie pas que moi aussi je dois être un fantôme pour les autres.
Le Destin ne mélange pas les gens comme il le devrait.

Pour vivre heureux, vivons connectés.

C'est très con ce que je viens de dire, mais au moins je l'assume et j'en suis conscient.

Hello

2005-03-30T23:46:00.000+02:00

hello

playground school bell rings again
rain clouds come to play again
has no one told you she's not breathing?
hello i'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
hello

if i smile and don't believe
soon i know i'll wake from this dream
don't try to fix me i'm not broken
hello i'm the lie living for you so you can hide
don't cry

suddenly i know i'm not sleeping
hello i'm still here
all that's left of yesterday

Amy Lee, Evanescence © 2003 Wind-Up Records

My office by night

2005-03-30T02:02:00.000+02:00

Le meilleur moment de la journée si on est avide de calme et de zénitude : deux heures du mat' dans son bureau. Y a quelque chose de surréaliste dans ces couloirs et ces portes fermées.

Moralité : j'aurais dû en profiter pour faire des maths au lieu de finir ma déclaration de revenus...

Quand on est con,......

Bon allez, je vais me faire la route de l'affiche de "Rencontres du troisième type", mais pour de vrai !

Si je me fais enlever, on se reverra certainement dans un autre point d'espace-temps... ;-)

Ponctualité sans faille

2005-03-28T00:03:00.000+02:00

Je suis ici pour qu'on m'oublie.
Je suis ici pour que tout espoir soit vain.
Je suis ici pour affronter mes peurs.
Qui m'aime ne me suive pas.

Dimanche en formation

2005-03-12T22:40:00.000+01:00

Trop bu
Pas assez bossé
Trop médité

Mais :

Mon fiston va bien
Le printemps arrive dans les Cévennes.

Donc demain : soleil et travail. Pourquoi pas ?

Qui a dit qu'on ne travaillait pas le Dimanche ? Si ce n'est le Vieux Barbu sans âge qui s'amuse avec moi depuis mes premiers pas en ce monde...

Pour mes Puces

2005-03-12T00:04:00.001+01:00

Je vous aime.

Comfortably numb

2005-03-10T02:04:00.000+01:00

" The child is grown
The dream is gone
And I have become
Comfortably numb. "

Pink Floyd, The Wall

A momentary lapse of reason

2005-03-09T21:36:00.000+01:00

"Was it love or was it the idea of being in love ?"

Souvenirs, Musique, Insouciance, Fumée, Avenir, Jeunesse, Amitié, Rêves, ...

"And down the hole we fall"

Memories

2005-03-07T13:56:00.000+01:00

Mon esprit inquiet ne supporterait jamais
De couver si longtemps une volupté,
S'il n'épiait, quoique craintivement
Une espérance derrière l'ombre d'un rêve.

John Keats, 1818

Crépuscule

2005-03-06T23:41:00.000+01:00

L'espoir s'en est allé ce soir, sorte de bouquet final de mon apocalypse personnelle.

C'est à ce moment que l'on fait un plan panoramique à 360 degrés sur l'océan de sa vie et que l'on se rend compte que l'on est en haute mer, loin de tout phare.

Rompre tout contact, laisser la fonction prendre le pas sur la passion et la survie sur la vie.
Le monde se peuple d'ombres, le passé vient dévorer les futurs, le présent s'éternise et s'enkyste et, tel un parasite, se repaît des débris de rêves, ne laissant à son hôte que des cauchemars récurrents et une insupportable routine.

C'est à ce moment précis que l'on se rend compte que même les mots ne servent plus à rien.

Black Sunday.

2005-02-27T12:07:00.000+01:00

Plus d'enfants, plus de père, plus de famille, plus de passions.
Plus très loin du fond, plus très loin maintenant.

Le jour de la Lune

2005-02-07T19:18:00.000+01:00

5 heures de sommeil, 1 heure de route, 3 heures d'enseignement, 1 heure de route.
Bon : la recherche n'avance guère... La légumisation me guette.

"...Tout ce que nous avons à décider, c'est que faire du temps qui nous est imparti..."

Merci Gandalf.

Y en a marre de causer en anglais

2005-02-01T18:55:00.000+01:00

Aujourd'hui est un grand jour : je me remets à parler dans ma langue natale : celle de Voltaire !
J'ai reçu un autre gentil SMS de mon ex aujourd'hui. Grands Dieux : que les causes de la haine sont des choses difficiles à cerner. Je ne suis guère vexé, j'éprouve surtout beaucoup de pitié : la haine enlaidit. J'ai eu mon pitchoun au téléphone et c'est seulement cela qui compte après tout. Allez zou, je rentre dans ma campagne revivifiante. Nous verrons si j'ai des choses plus intéressantes à dire demain.

Can You See.....?

2004-12-03T21:44:00.000+01:00

You know : the recurrent sentence of the great and beautiful Samantha Morton, the female precog of Minority Report.
So...YES : I can see the end of the week; and I see it with hope. And, at last, I could take some rest !

If you, dear Reader, are in France, you should run to see "Innocence", the "sequel" of Ghost in the Shell. Same director : Mamoru Oshii, same universe, same questions, same beauty, but with improved technology. I'll try to see it the next week.

Program for the week-end: fix some bugs in my house, 28 exams to correct, and waiting......;for my soul-mate !
Just 7 days... You don't know her, but I desesperately love her.

"Une vie sans amour est une vie foutue." (Yves Montand in IP5 from Beineix).

---end of transmission---

Proverb of the Day

2004-12-01T21:21:00.000+01:00

When you want something... do it yourself !
(The last thought that came to me after preparing exercises for my students.)

Meteo : frozen !

Mental state : spinal chord activated, all other functions disabled...

Program for the night : "L'immortalité" by Milan Kundera, "The lord of rings", one cigarette, and all my dreams for my soul-mate.

Program for tomorrow : to survive.

May the force be with You, dear virtual reader.

Back on the Air

2004-11-29T09:13:00.000+01:00

Choice of the Evening's Movie : "Hana-Bi" from Takeshi Kitano. It's a wonderful movie, a visual poem on love & death, with the partition of Joe Hisaichi. Most of us (not me!) , in France, have some problems with Kitano's movies : The occidental "canons" of cinematography formatted us; more precisely we need "adrenalized" movies and we find Japanese films too slow.
It's a pity to miss such a movie for such a reason. Kitano is great.

Night's travel

2004-11-26T08:11:00.000+01:00

In some minutes I'll travel through Camargue, by night, with full moon, the CD of the Piano's Lesson and a Pall-Mall. This is the kind of simple moments which make the Life more..."supportable"...

First message

2004-11-24T22:31:00.000+01:00

A beginning is a very delicate time...

Princess Irulan, Year 10191.