Alone

Loneliness never frightened me. Sometimes I'm even looking for it.

I just experimented three things about which I had no protection : having hope, being hated at a such higher level, and being sick.

When all the three are coming together, I think one can speak about Murphy's laws.

I wish I could be without any feelings, without nerves, without brain, or, perhaps, just the piece of brain needed to work on mathematics.

I wish I could be someone harsh, without any empathy.

Is this life cyclic ? No, it's rather like some perverted spiral; going worse and worse at each step. It's an accumulation effect, like if I was a big magnet attracting all negative feelings and thoughts and focusing all this stuff in one point, just there, in heart.

I never thought that having reached my 40's would be a so awful experiment.