Walking on the Razor Blade

Green & Black,
originally uploaded by Deckard@tyrell.corp.

On the way to loose the last remaining dreams.

Preparing Soul's winter.

Waiting to fall.

Seeking for some sense.

Sure of nothing.

Be nothing.

Not thinking.

Stop thinking.

Sleeping.

Without dreaming.

I miss You

Between Two Worlds,
originally uploaded by Deckard@tyrell.corp.

and I need You.

Frozen

Week-end with my little ones is over. It was a good one. After they left me, I went to my desert beach, to talk with the sea. She didn't say me anything this time, she was awfully mute.

I'm returning to lethargy, hibernation.

Today I made myself my birthday gift in advance : Lumix FZ20.
Now I have this technological jewel, I have no more inspiration.
I'll see tomorrow what I'm able to do with; some chance these future shots will be darker than ever, cold.

I'm not complete.

Fear after Happyness

Yes... Fear...

I think I write too much, I share too much many secret feelings which should be burried deeply into my soul and remain unknown to others.

Fear you would go away. Fear you would forget me. Fear you would erase me. Fear you would afraid of all this.

I was looking at you, this evening at 20:15. I was at the beach with my sons ; it's the good hour, tourists are not here and they can play while I'm contemplating the sea, the sky and the light.

There is a shot of mine, on Flickr, which describes the exact location where we were.

There are some rocks (it's a beach of rocks, not sand), a "calanque" in French. I was in a day-dream, imagining you sitting on a rock in front of me. There was no dialogue, except through the eyes,...and I was happy. I was just admiring you, in silence.

I was looking at the horizon, I was hoping too much, too much.

Images came. So clear, so distant, so unreal.

I am not alive.

Inverted cycles

I spent another night at the office, always seeking for some traces.
Took the car at 5:30, without a sufficient dosis of cafeine, made a pause for sleeping some minutes, then bought Pall-Mall and went to my village.

Little check for my mails, 3 hours of sleep from 9 to 12. Then departure.

During the travel, listening several times to "Comfortably numb", live version. Strange feeling arised, some need to exorcize nostalgia, need to clean up the memorie's box.

I'm now with L & V, they are sleeping quietly and their father is once again on his laptop, surfing and flickring much beyond any reasonable limits.

I'm not "cured", my head is always in this virtual world, waiting to imbed into the real one.

I'm afraid to talk to You now, afraid to listen what I'm now imagining. Doubts over doubts over doubts...
Pessimism and Murphy's laws.

I miss You so much.

What are you thinking of ?

,
originally uploaded by Quizz.

Last day before Week-End.

I'll wait for your emails.

I'll wait for some traces, some hopes, or some tears to come.

Focusing on You.

At damn speed...yes. It's true.

What are You thinking of ?

Where are You ?

There was a great diner in a great restaurant this evening with a very famous, very old and very cool mathematician. One of this kind who could give you some courage to not giving up, to continue some desesperate act of creation, to try to fight against the loss of creativity. A sort of spiritual father if you want, not a gourou (I hate this sort of guys).


How do I see Life ?

Loving my children and be loved by them.

Creating and teaching. Being useful.

Belong to someone. Forget mySelf, becoming ourSelf.
Forget myShell, becoming ourShell...

It sounds like the Ten Commandments.

I feel myself pretty pathetic, this evening.

I need another world, I need to change some line of code in this Matrix.

"Close the World, Open the NeXt..."

A Dead-Day

Morning Light,
originally uploaded by Quizz.

Today was worse than a sunday.

No work. No rationnal thoughts. No decisions.

Feeling like a lazy big worm.

I didn't saw a dvd since weeks (should be in Guiness Book...); so this evening, I put T2 in the dvd-player, push dolby EX on, increase volume, turn off the lights, hoping to fill my eyes and my ears, hoping to forget myself for two hours...

So... ?

I just stop the player at the half of movie and I'm now on Internet writing this....

Why ?

Because, I was imagining you with me here, just besides me, watching the film together. Because my arms, my hands were seeking for someone who was indeed not here.

Because, you are becoming a part of me.
I know it sounds crazy, unreasonable,childish, not serious....

So what ? ....

There is a vanishing point on this road;

If I can't reach it,... I could at least imagine it.

In this last case, imagination is not a gift but rather like a neverending fall....or a slow death.

Breathe into me...

Breathe into me,
originally uploaded by Deckard@tyrell.corp.

...and make me real...

The second day without You.

All this was unexpected. Nothing was planned.

It's not usual, neither common.

You're so far... like a dream in the morning.

Make it real. Make... me... real.